The first annual Freak Show Beauty Pageant kicked off early Thursday morning (around 1:00am) on April the 20th. Many women entered the contest, but only three of them had what it takes to make the final cut. The judges had a hard time choosing these three, and an even harder time choosing the final winner. Before we reveal the winners however, read on for a run down of the pageant.
1:00am: DEATH MATCH
To start the pageant, 30 contestants were chosen for stlye, looks, and intelligence. These 30 women were then placed in a pit in the middle of an arena where a large audience watched them duke it out to the death! This was to continue on until only 20 women were left.
2:30am: ENDURANCE
After the death match (which lasted an hour) the women got cleaned up and came back out for the endurance test. This invloved 3 parts.
The first part of the test was the "snake run". All the girls had to get in a tub filled with snakes. The twist was, all the snake were poisonous! Boy were they surprised!! They were to stay in the tub for 30 minutes without dying. Only 11 women survived this part of the test, the rest died.
The second part of the test was a little harder. 11 lions were brought in to the arena where the remaining 11 women awaited them with swords in hand. They each had to fight and kill at least 1 lion. 5 women wound up dead, and 6 lions.
The third and final part of the endurance test was soon started. The six remaining contestants were placed in an underground maze where they had to escape in 30 seconds. 3 of them made it out. The rest were sent home with a consolation prize.
5:00am: ZERO HOUR
After hours of brutal tests of determination and skill, the final three women were brought before the judges. Their pictures are below.
From top to bottom they are:
The Human Skelleton
The Bearded Lady
The Human Troll
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After about an hour of stupid tricks, speaches, and songs, the winner was chosen!
Mr. T, one of the judges, stood up to announce the winner. A hush came over the crowd. William Shattner was ready to burst on stage and sing the "Miss Freak" song.
"First off," Mr. T began, "I pity the 2 fools who lost! they came a long way, but they're losers none the less, and they should have just stayed home instead of wasting thier time here. Secondly, I want ask the question to everyone here: What happened to the eighties and my short lived fame?! I want it back!"
Soon Mr. T was throwing tables around and threatening to kill everyone. He was sedated and the lovable, forever child, Webster took his place. He got right to the point of announcing the winner.
It was the Human Troll!! Music was played, William sang, and the Human Troll blew snot from her nose on to the stage.
Well, it was a long journey. But it was lots of fun. See you in another year for the second annual Miss Freak Show Beauty Pageant!
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